Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
