yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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