You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
