Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
