what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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