her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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