My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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