Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
