I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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