Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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