My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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