I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
