in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
