I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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