I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
