I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
zippers are such a cool invention
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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