i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
