he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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