dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
