You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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