I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
