Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
