I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize