if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
