i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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