I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
