i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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