So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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