Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
