If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
