I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
