Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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