the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
