his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
