either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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