this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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