Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
