dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
