My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
40s are totally the cure
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
