I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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