dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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