So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
