this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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