i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I will pee on everything he values.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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