when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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