I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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