Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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