Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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