Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
