you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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