She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
