Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
