I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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