Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
