The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
