And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
