Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
