how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
