Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
