Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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