Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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