oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
