i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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